Let's start at the beginning......

This blog has been forming in my mind now for, well since we started on this journey. Josie is now 7 weeks old and I have been writing and re-writing what and how I want to say all this. This is our story, our story of happiness, shock, doubt, hurt and eventually JOY! I wanted to write this blog so everyone could know Josie's story. So, here it is....... October 16th 2009, we found out we were expecting!

Not really trying, but not really preventing either, it came as somewhat of a suprise! Our "suprise" was to be born June 9th, 2010! So, as the weeks passed so did the doctor's appointments. Always good, text book pregnancy! Let's jump forward to May of 2010. Just another routine appointment. I was around 33 weeks, I had only gained around 11 pounds at that point, I was anxious to have another ultrasound so we could see her! Dr. Wilson ordered another ultrasound on the basis that I had not gained much weight but that he wasn't concerned with it, just an excuse to have one more. So the two weeks passed and we went back for that ultrasound. We saw Dr. Ball that day. He came in very quick like, checked me and then said "well, I am a little concerned with what I saw on the ultrasound". Concerned? I thought to myself, "well here it is, everything has gone so smoothly thus far, I knew something was going to go wrong!" I know what an awful thing to think. He was concerned that the placenta was not working at 100% and thus making for a small baby. Dr. Ball said maybe she needed to go ahead and be delivered. So, we left the clinic with an appointment to see a Perinatologist at JMCGH two days later. We prepared ourselves that possibly she would be born early..... Packed our bags, I worked my last day.......we were ready! That Friday came and we had another ultrasound, we were lead into an examination room where the Doctor proceeded to tell us the words that would FOREVER change our lives.

The next few minutes were for me a numb blur! The doctor would tell us that our baby had something wrong with her heart. Something that was indicative of Down's Syndrome. She had what is called a Atrioventricular Canal Defect. A defect found in babies with Down's. While he was not saying she 100% had Down's, he did say it was highly possible.

We held it together until we left the office. I kept telling myself, "don't cry, don't cry.....hold it together". I made it about 5 steps out of the office and I just collapsed against a wall. Ashley was holding me trying to tell me it was going to be okay, that we didn't know anything for sure. But I think even he knew something wasn't right!

Here we were 30 minutes before with visions of a perfect, but small baby! Josie, our little angel we had prayed for and planned for for 9 months. All of those "visions" were torn in a short 3 minutes!

The next few days were filled with tears, anger, hope and fear! I think I cried myself to sleep for a week. Ashley didn't even know, I would wait for him to fall asleep and then I would lay on the couch and cry until I was so tired I couldn't do it anymore.

It's kind of funny how, in a marriage you thrive off of eachother's strengths. Ashley and I didn't talk much about what we were told. For me, it was if I said those words "down's syndrome" out loud it would somehow make it all too real and might come true. One night we were laying in bed and I asked him if he thought she had down's syndrome? He said to me...."Beth, I don't care if she does have Down's Syndrome, that is the least of my worries, I am more worried about getting that little heart of hers healed!" I thought to myself, "wow, here I hadn't even considered that at least my daughter was alive and with surgery would be a healthy baby." I was thinking of the physical, what she would look like, how people would look at her, how she would have to go to a "special school". I never considered that while she might not be "normal" in the world's eyes, she would be here and have a life of her own. Something that alot of people never get to experience.

Well we had more appointments and more evidence that she would have Trisomy 21. I still was not accepting of this until on a Tuesday I saw a good friend while I was eating lunch at Dixie Castle. She was going in to have a c-section a day later. She was so happy and excited and ready to meet her baby (which she didn't know what she was having)! I sat at the table and cried after she left (I haven't told her any of this so if she reads it it will be news to her). I cried because I thought to myself, if I had Josie today, I don't know what I would feel, I wasn't happy, I wasn't excited. I just wanted it to all go away. That night, I prayed to God that he would just give me a peace about all of it. I just wanted to Rest in His Arms. I was so tired, physically and emotionally. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be excited. Women wait there whole lives to become mothers. I was going to be one whether she was had problems or not!

Lord, just give me PEACE!

The rest is just history!

Josie was born on June 4th at 2:52 am after a quick, and I do mean quick delivery! No time for an epidural, 6 pushes and 20 minutes later she was here! All 5 pounds 14 ounces of her.

She would spend 6 days in the Neo-natal ICU but come home with a clean bill of health. (except for her needing some surgery down the road)

As I look back on our journey (it all happened so fast) and I look into those steel blue eyes, she looks back at me and her eyes say "love me.......love me for who I am and for who I will be." I see a perfect baby. God sees no flaws in her, she is perfect in his eyes, why shouldn't she be perfect in mine?! It's not her fault, it's no one's "fault". She is our daughter and we have been chosen by HIM to be her parents. We are blessed to be given HIS child for us to raise.

We are still facing a continuing Journey, a journey to her heart surgery in a few months and a journey in overcoming all of her obstacles with Trisomy 21 but we are Resting in His Arms everyday and taking it one day at a time. She has already grown so much and I cherish every moment with her. She is my snuggle bunny. We call her our "little smidge".

I will continue to update on our journey through the next couple of months. Please pray for Josie as she will have open heart surgery in the fall and we are so blessed to have you in our lives!

Blessed,

Beth